Restless souls
by Jessica12
Summary: PART 4 *FINISHED*- R/J, Rory has come to New York only to find Jess with another girl. Will it be the end for them?
1. Default Chapter

Title: Restless souls  
Author: Jessica  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se   
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where   
Spoilers: None  
Rating: PG  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Pairing: Rory/Jess  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS. Poem called "Alone"  
written by Maya Angelou (The complete collected poems )  
Summary: My first ever Rory/Jess- fanfic. So be kind..:) In this   
Jess kisses Rory not the other way around.   
AUTHORS NOTE: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
mistakes may occur.  
  
"Lying, thinking  
Last night  
How to find my soul a home  
Where water is not thirsty  
And bread loaf is not stone  
I came up with one thing  
And I don't believe I'm wrong  
That nobody,  
But nobody  
Can make it out here alone."  
  
-----------------  
Restless souls  
by;Jessica  
-----------------  
  
  
Unwanted.  
Alone.  
I have to accept that.  
They say that I'm a troublemaker.  
Not even my mother wanted me.  
Not my father.  
Nobody.  
I guess I'm alone out here.  
  
I came to Stars Hollow angry at the world.  
My mother had sent me away.  
Couldn't handle me, they say.  
I have not been a good boy.  
I have done several things that I'm not so proud of.  
Maybe they are right.  
I'm useless.  
  
Then she came along.  
I have read about love.  
I have heard it being spoken about.  
But I have never actually experienced it myself.  
But if you ask me,   
I will deny it.  
She.  
Rory.  
Angel.  
I tried to fight it, believe me.  
Convinced that I needed no one.  
Maybe she will be the death of me.  
Oh, what a nice way to go.  
She moves my world.  
This little girl.  
Out of reach.  
She is spoken for.  
Taken.  
I can't say that it was love at first sight.  
It crept up on me.  
It took me of guard and shattered all my   
defensives.  
Now I'm walking around the streets of this  
town smiling like a fool.  
She is the reason.  
I vowed once that love would never make me   
weak.  
Look at me now.  
Fool.  
  
The moon keeps me company as I rise from my bed and dress.  
Need to get her out of my head.  
Luke is sleeping on the other side of the room.  
I know that he means well.  
But he can't replace my parents.  
Sometimes I wish he could.  
Make me right.  
Save me.  
God, I sound like...  
Oh, I don't know.  
I open the door slowly.  
I walk downstairs and unlock the door to the diner.  
The night is still.  
Stars Hollow is sleeping.  
Quiet.  
I close the door behind me and lock it.  
Feeling restless.  
  
----------------  
  
I couldn't see his face.  
But I knew that he was there.  
I could feel him.  
Almost touch him.  
Dreams.  
Only dreams.  
I woke with his name on my lips.  
It was still dark outside.  
He shouldn't be the one in my dreams.  
Jess.  
Wrong.  
I rose from my bed.  
Feeling restless.  
I walked up to my window and starred out into the darken night.  
I knew that I could go to my mother and talk to her.  
But I didn't want to.  
I wanted to figure this out by myself.  
TRAITOR  
Dean.  
I had failed him.  
Everyone.  
To love another.  
Love, it wasn't love I felt for Jess.  
It couldn't be.  
I refused to believe that.  
But still my heart skipped a beat every time  
he entered the room.  
Him.  
Bad for me, they say.  
Troublemaker, they say.  
They don't know him like I know him.  
The warmth in his eyes.  
His smile.  
Everything about him.  
The stars have come out to play.  
Foolish heart.  
Deny everything.  
  
-----------   
  
My wanders brought me nothing.  
I ended up outside her house.  
Like a moth to a flame.  
Like Romeo.  
The darkness surrounded me.  
She must be asleep.  
Shouldn't stay too long.  
This is not my place.  
Shouldn't be here.  
But still I wanted...  
To dream.  
For once in my life I dared to   
dream about something different.  
Finally I turned my back and started to go back.  
Her voice pierced the silence of the night.  
I turned to her.  
"Jess?"  
She was standing on the porch.  
She had on a coat over her pajamas.  
"Yeah."  
She came towards me.   
She seemed to glow.  
Maybe it just was my mind playing tricks with me.  
"What are you doing here?"  
Lie.  
Lying.  
That was something I was really and truly good at.  
"Oh, nothing."  
She smiled.  
"Doing nothing, at three in the morning..hmm."  
I WANT YOU  
But that she will never know.  
"Yeap. That's me. Shouldn't you be sleeping? Nice pajamas by the way."  
"Dreams woke me. I can ask you the same.."  
"I guess...Couldn't sleep."  
"So what's up?"  
YOU!  
My hands screamed out to touch her.  
I wonder what she would do if I kissed her.  
Would she run away?  
She was so close.  
"You should go inside."  
"No. You didn't answer my question."  
"What question?"  
"What are you doing her?"  
She moved closer.  
  
-----------  
His eyes were on fire.  
He had come to me.  
Now he stood in front of me.  
I wanted so desperately to read his mind.  
For once in my life I listen to that little voice  
that screamed in my ear to take what I wanted.  
I don't know anything about love.  
I don't know anything about life.  
I have read Shakespeare.  
I have read a lot of books that try to explain love.  
But nothing could ever match up to this feeling inside.  
For the first time in I felt something I have never felt   
before.  
Something that I never dared to name.  
Passion.  
It ran like poison through my veins causing me  
to move closer to him.  
I wanted him.  
I wanted to feel his arms around me.  
His lips against mine.  
I must have gone crazy somewhere along the way.  
But I needed this.  
Wanted this.  
I couldn't stop this feeling inside.  
Not anymore.  
KISS ME! KISS ME  
Surrendering to my feelings.  
  
--------------  
  
She was so close now that I almost could sense the scent of her hair.  
My heart went racing in my chest.  
Forbidden.  
Not yours.  
"I answered that. Nothing."  
"You lied."  
Her eyes met mine.  
Blue eyes pierced through my defensives,  
seeing my soul.  
My faults.  
Everything.  
Falling.  
"What are you doing here, Jess?"  
Her lips.  
Her hair.  
Her smell.  
Her skin.  
Everything about her.  
"I forgot."  
Just one kiss.  
It could last me a lifetime.  
Not yours.  
Never mine.  
Taken.  
I wanted to turn around and run.  
Fearing her.  
Fearing my heart.  
She could be the end of me.  
She was the end of me.  
Finally I surrendered.  
Fell.  
Falling.  
I lowered my mouth to hers wanting to taste her.  
I have kissed a lot of girls.  
Half of them I didn't even like.  
But nothing could ever have prepared me for this.  
My mind went blank.  
She didn't back away.  
Didn't object.  
I ran my tongue against her lips, inviting them to   
let me in.  
She surrendered with a sigh.  
This must be heaven.  
Tongues meeting.  
Tasting.  
I wrapped my arms around her.  
Feeling her against my body.  
Crazy.  
Her hand against my chest.  
Wanting her.  
All of her.  
SHE IS NOT YOURS TO KEEP!  
Not worthy  
Never mine to win.  
Spoken for.  
Taken.  
I couldn't...  
Reality came back.  
I bolted.  
  
------  
  
His eyes were wild as he broke the kiss.  
I was still lost.  
My mind was blurry as I looked at him.  
I could still taste him.  
His hands on my body.  
Wanting the sweet surrender I found in his arms.  
I reached for him.  
Wanting.  
Needed to explain.  
He looked at me.  
Dark eyes.  
"I'm sorry."  
Then he turned around and ran away,  
leaving me there  
longing for him.  
  
-------------------  
  
I ran as fast as my legs could carry me.  
Run away.  
That's my specialty.  
Fleeing.  
From her.  
From everything.  
From my heart.  
You love her.  
I won't listen.  
  
  
--------------  
  
FEEDBACK_____YES PLEASE___j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	2. Amends

Title: Restless souls - Amends  
Author: Jessica  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se   
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where   
Spoilers: None  
Rating: PG  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Pairing: Rory/Jess  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.  
Summary: Following the kiss...It's time to make some decisions..  
AUTHORS NOTE: * I'm looking for a beta-reader. Interested? PLEASE ;)  
E-mail me....  
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
mistakes may occur.  
  
---------  
Restless Souls-  
Amends  
by: Jessica  
--------  
  
I know that they hate me.  
No good.  
Useless.  
They try to hide it behind fake smiles  
but I know what they are thinking.  
I have seen that look a thousand times before.  
The look of disappointment.  
Disdain.  
Hate.  
I guess I have never done anything to change their  
opinion of me.  
Been the bad body.  
Acting crazy.  
Looking for thrills were I could find them.  
Now I have done another stupid thing.  
Kissing her.  
Rory.  
  
-------------------  
  
I tried to blame the night.  
Him.  
My dreams.  
Everything than the obvious.  
I had wanted it.  
I had longed for it.  
I had liked it.  
He came the next morning,  
to buy me a cup of coffee.  
Not the one I wanted.  
Dean.  
I wanted to say no.  
Afraid I might meet Jess.  
But he didn't listen.  
Wanted me with him.  
So I went.  
  
-------------  
  
I put my head and heart into driving her   
out of my system.  
Luke had never seen me working so hard.  
I had never seen me working so.  
Then she came.  
Angel.  
Rory.  
Moved my world.  
Moved my circles.  
He was with her.  
Dean.  
She never looked at me.  
SEE ME! LOOK AT ME!  
Silly me.  
Thinking that she might...  
Fool.  
They sat down at a table.  
He took her hand.  
Pain ripped at my heart.  
Jealousy.  
Not my place.  
She was never mine in the first place.  
I wanted so badly to walk up to her right then and there and   
say something.  
Anything.  
But I couldn't.  
Not to her.  
  
------------------  
  
My eyes only saw him.  
Jess.  
TRAITOR  
I tried to kill the voices that kept screaming in my ear  
but it was impossible.  
Truth hurts, they say.  
Maybe they are right.  
But I can't stop this from happening.  
I can't stop my heart.  
I wish I could.  
It would be so easy if I just could keep him  
out of my heart.  
I looked at Dean.  
Trying to smile.  
Can you love two people at the same time?  
Is my heart big enough for them both?  
Or am I just fooling myself?  
  
------------  
  
Forget.  
That is the best medicine for me now.  
Put it behind me.  
Act like nothing have happened between us.  
Go back to what was before.  
I can never have her.  
I need to accept that now.  
She will never mine.  
It's better for both of us if I just   
back away now.  
Believe me, I would like to see Dean lose her.  
To me.  
But what can I do?  
I could never do anything to harm her.  
I can't make her choose.  
I'm afraid that she will pick him.  
Not me.  
So it's better that I walk away now.  
I just wish that...  
Never mind.  
  
------------  
  
I thought I saw sadness in his eyes as  
he walked passed me and out the door.  
Or is it just my mind playing tricks on me?  
I wanted so desperately to go after him.  
To make him understand.  
To make him see.  
But I had to stay.  
He wasn't mine.  
Never mine.  
  
---------------  
  
I walked to the bridge.  
Searching for peace.  
Looking for something.  
Anything.  
All I could see was her.  
I sat down.  
Her face was before me.  
Rory.  
Was I ever alive before her?  
Look at me.  
Listen to me.  
I sound like...  
Only a fool love someone you can't have.  
That's what I am.  
A Fool.  
  
  
---------------  
  
  
I found him on the bridge.  
His safe place.  
Hideaway.  
I sat down beside him.  
I came to tell him the truth.  
I came to save my soul.  
I came to push him away.  
"Jess."  
"Rory."  
"Have you told him?"  
"Told him what?"  
"About the kiss."  
"No and promise me you won't."  
"Rory..."  
"Promise."  
"I can't do that."  
"You have to!"  
"I don't have to do anything!"  
"I'm begging you, Jess. I don't want to hurt him."  
"You kissed me back, Rory."  
"No."  
I rise and turn my back to him.  
I don't want him to see the truth in my eyes.  
"You lie."  
"Stop saying that!"  
I turned to him.  
I wanted him to understand.   
That we couldn't go on.  
Too much at stake.  
Too many people might get hurt.  
So I have to push him away.  
Shut him out of my heart.  
It's better this way.  
"It's the truth.."  
"No!"  
"So, you're telling me you never kissed me back."  
He moved closer.  
"No..Yes..Oh, I don't.."  
My words drowned in his kiss.  
Demanding.  
Wanting more of me than I wanted to give.  
He pulled my closer to him.  
My mind went blurry.   
His hands found their way under my shirt and touched the sensitive  
skin on my back.  
All I could see was him.  
All I could taste was him.  
Madness.  
Crazy.  
I wanted him.  
All of him.  
Then reality hit.  
Hard.  
I broke the kiss.  
I pushed him away from me.  
There were too much at stake here.  
To many people in the way.  
His eyes were dark as he reached for me.  
"No..."  
"Rory."  
"Jess, I can't."  
He walked towards me.  
I had to be strong now.   
It was a matter of survival.  
I couldn't be with him.  
Longing for him.  
Wanting him.  
Everything at once.  
He reached out and took my hand.  
I crumbled.   
I fell.  
I looked into his eyes and saw a love there that I had   
dreamt about.  
Tears filled my eyes as I looked at him.  
My heart screamed out for him.  
To go to him.  
Let myself fall.  
Let myself love him.  
But I couldn't.  
So I had to go.  
Leave.  
Him.  
"Please, Jess. I can't. Don't ask me to."  
Then I broke free from his touch, turned around and ran away.  
  
  
-------------------------  
I stood there a long time.  
Remembering her.  
Feeling her.  
Tasting her.  
Trying to make sense of it all.  
I already knew why.  
She didn't have to tell me.  
I could read it in her eyes.  
Dean.  
Lorelai.  
Everything.  
So many things stood between us.  
So many obstacles to climb over.  
To many.  
To many battles to be won.  
Maybe she did the right thing.  
The easiest way.  
Then why does my heart feel so bad?  
  
-------------------------  
  
I went to him to tell him the truth.  
To break his heart.  
To shatter his soul.  
I wish I could stop this from happening.  
But there is no way back.  
I had to do this.  
I can't lie any longer.  
His eyes were dark as I told him what had happened.  
The kiss.  
I saw pain in his eyes.  
Anger.  
He backed away from me.  
Let go of my hand.  
I was already missing his touch.  
"Dean, please talk to me."  
"There is not much more to say."  
"Dean..."  
I reached for him but he avoided my hand.  
He turned his back.  
Silence followed.  
I spoke first.  
Begging him to talk to me.  
He turned towards me.  
Anger and pride painted his eyes.  
I backed away.  
"What do you want me to say?"  
"Anything."  
"That I'm happy for you...Is that what you want me to say?!"  
"No, of course not. I just.."  
"What!? You KISSED him, Rory. HIM."  
"Please..Dean..I don't want to.."  
"I never thought you of all people could hurt me so."  
"It was a mistake."  
"You lie."  
"No. You have to believe me."  
I was losing him. I could feel it with every breath I took.  
"Stop lying. For once tell me the truth!"  
"I don't know what you want me to say."  
"Try the truth for once!"  
"All I know is that I love you."  
"If you did...You wouldn't have kissed him."  
I reached for him. But he backed away from me.  
I could see pain in his eyes.  
Pain I had caused.  
"Please, forgive me. I don't want to lose you..."  
"You already have..."  
Then he walked away from me.  
  
I stood there a long time trying to pick up the pieces of my broken  
heart.   
I never knew pain before this moment.  
I never thought I could feel this..  
Lost.  
  
  
------------------  
  
I can't say that I ran.  
I just had to leave.  
Stars Hollow.  
Uncle Luke wasn't happy to see me go.   
He never said anything but I could read his face like   
an open book.  
It was dark as the bus rolled into Stars Hollow.  
To New York.  
I had wanted to say goodbye to her.  
To explain.  
Why.  
But I wasn't sure that she had wanted to see me.  
She had made things clear with that final meeting on the bridge.  
I took one last look.  
At Stars Hollow.  
I will miss it.  
But that I will keep that to myself.  
Luke was standing in the window of the diner.  
Looking angry.  
As he always does.  
I couldn't help but smile.  
I'll miss him.  
Maybe one day not far from now I will return.  
Until then I will remember these days.  
Her.  
Rory.  
She has a special place in my heart.  
I whispered my goodbye to a town I used to hate so much.  
Then I got on the bus and headed back home.  
  
-------------------------  
  
I went to him to be saved.  
To talk to someone.  
Anyone.  
I needed him.  
Jess.  
I didn't know why.  
I didn't want to think about why.  
I just wanted him.  
To be held by him.  
To see his smile.  
To listen to his voice.  
Hear his laughter.  
I walked through the doors of the diner that morning looking for him.  
Luke was behind the counter.  
He told me the truth.  
Jess had left.  
Didn't say why.  
Just that he had to leave.  
I just stood there, in the middle of the diner,  
as the sky fell down over me.  
Gone.  
Had left.  
No more Jess.  
Looking for answers to questions.  
But no answers were given to me.  
All I could hear was that it was my fault.  
I fell.  
  
-----------------------------------  
  
*Part three is coming soon...It's called "Gone".  
  
FEEDBACK::::j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	3. Gone

Title: Restless souls - Gone  
Author: Jessica  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se   
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where   
Spoilers: None  
Rating: PG  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Pairing: Rory/Jess  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.  
Summary: Jess is back in New York and it's time for Rory to make   
a choice.  
AUTHORS NOTE: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
mistakes may occur.  
  
  
--------------------------------  
  
New York  
  
No hug.  
No kiss on the cheek.  
Not even a smile.  
I can read her like an open book.  
She doesn't want me here.  
My mother tries to act like she is happy to see me.  
But I can see the truth in her eyes.  
I should have stayed away.  
But I don't know where to go.  
I don't blame her for feeling the way she does.  
I have acted like a fool.  
Been in trouble.  
Acting crazy.  
But I kept hoping she would greet me with open arms.  
She has never been the loving kind.  
I sometimes doubt that she loves me.  
She has never actually said the words.  
I needed to hear those three words.  
It would be so simple.  
But all I get is a cold shoulder.  
  
I'm laying here watching as the moon makes its way passed my window.  
It's never quiet here.  
I miss the silence of a small town.  
I miss a lot of things of the life I left behind.  
But I have to accept it.  
There is no reason to go back.  
  
-----------------------  
  
Stars Hollow  
  
I thought life would go back to normal after he left.  
Life before him.  
I go about my day as usual.  
But sometimes he comes to me.  
His face.  
His smile.  
His voice.  
I try to drive him away from my thoughts but it's impossible.  
I have tried to make him go away.  
Tried every way possible.  
But I know it's no use.  
I have to accept.  
It's time to accept.  
  
  
  
---------------------  
  
I picked up the phone for the fifth time during the past  
hour only to put it down again.  
I wanted to call.  
Hear her voice.  
Just for a second.  
A moment.  
Hear her say my name.  
Let myself remember.  
But all it will do is cause me pain.  
I know that.  
But still I want to do it.  
To silence the voices that whispered in my head.  
My hands tremble as I dial her number.  
She answers a minute later.  
"Rory."  
"Jess?"  
"Yeah..."  
"I'm so glad you called...I wanted to....talk.."  
"Yeah, I know.."  
"You left so suddenly.."  
"I wanted to go home.."  
"But why?"  
BECAUSE OF YOU  
"I just had to."  
"But I thought.."  
"What?"  
"Nothing.."  
"No, you were about to say something."  
"I thought we were friends."  
"We were never friends."  
"Jess.."  
"No. It's the truth...I don't want to be your "friend"."  
"Then, what do you want?"  
"You know what I want."  
"I can never do what you ask of me.."  
"Then, there is nothing more to say."  
"Jess, please..."  
"No, I can't do this anymore. You have made your choice."  
"STOP THIS!"  
"What!?"  
"So this is it? Just like that..."  
"Yes."  
"Jess.."  
"I'm in love with you, Rory. Can't you see that? I did everything   
but spell it out for you...But you..."  
"I can't.."  
"Then..there's nothing more to say."  
"Jess."  
"Goodbye, Rory."  
Then I hung up.  
  
--------------------------  
  
I sat there a long time just starring at the phone.  
His voice kept ringing in my ear.  
Jess.  
His face was before me.  
Chasing me.  
Haunting me.  
Hurting me.  
I wanted to go to him.  
Explain.  
Make him understand.  
But I feared him.  
Fearing the truth.  
I hide behind everyone.  
It would be so easy just to reach out.  
Let go.  
Let myself love him.  
It would be so easy.  
And oh, so sweet.  
I have never felt like this before.  
So totally and completely lost.  
I rose from my bed and walked up to the window.  
Not even the moon could bring me peace.  
I closed my eyes and prayed for an answer.  
  
------------------------  
  
It's time now to let go.  
Let her be in the past.  
But I don't know how to let her go.  
I wish I could find a way.  
I have been a fool.   
I can see that now.  
She was never mine.  
I thought I could sweep her of her feet.  
Make her see me.  
But all it caused me was pain.  
I will drive her out of my heart.  
Or else I will slowly but surely fade away.  
  
-----------------------  
  
His face kept chasing me around.  
His words kept ringing in my ear.  
I tried to shut him out.  
I tried to drive him away from my heart.  
But I failed.  
All I could see was him.  
Taste him.  
Feel his arms around me.  
I longed for him.  
Wanted him.  
Needed him.  
For once in my life I truly listened to  
my heart.  
I was going to New York and win his heart.  
Again.  
But this time I will not let fear hold me back.  
Not this time.  
Never again.  
  
------------------------  
  
I drifted in out of clubs and bar.  
Me and my friends.  
Wanting to erase her from my memories.  
Not wanting her in my heart.  
It was better this way.  
The night brought my soul peace.  
The alcohol helped me a little bit.  
To forget.  
Wanting to replace a memory with another.  
Then she came along.  
Her name was Anne.  
Blonde.  
Blue eyes.  
Not Rory.  
She saved me.  
She took me in.  
I fell into her.  
In her arms I forgot the world for a while.  
  
  
The morning came with all its glory.  
My mother was of with another boyfriend.  
I woke in my bed.  
Anne was beside me.  
My head felt heavy as I slipped from the bed.  
I could still taste her.  
I have been her so many times before.  
Not many.  
But a few times.  
The wrong girl.  
The wrong place.  
Wrong.  
Wrong.  
The doorbell woke me from my daydreaming.  
I slipped into my jeans and went to open.  
My heart stopped as I saw her.  
Rory.  
She smiled.  
"Jess."  
"Rory."  
Angel.  
  
  
-------------------  
  
Part 4 is called "And then she smiled" COMING SOON:...I hope :)  
  
Feedback---j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	4. And then she smiled

Title: Restless souls - And then she smiled  
Author: Jessica  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se   
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where   
Spoilers: None  
Rating: PG  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Pairing: Rory/Jess  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.  
Summary: Rory has come to New York only to find Jess with another   
girl. Will this be the end for them?  
AUTHORS NOTE: * I'm looking for a beta-reader. Interested? PLEASE ;)  
E-mail me....  
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
mistakes may occur.  
  
  
"I've been searching a long time  
For someone exactly like you  
I've been traveling all around the world  
Waiting for you to come through."   
(From "Someone like you" sung by: Van Morrison )  
  
  
---------------------------------------  
Restless souls-  
And then she smiled.  
(4/4)  
-----------------------------------  
  
I wanted to wrap my arms around her.  
Never let go.  
But I know that I wasn't allowed.  
Not my place.  
All I could do was smile.  
"Rory, what are you doing here?"  
She moved closer to me.  
I wanted to reach out and touch her.  
My hands ached to touch her.  
But I kept my hands on my sides.  
"We didn't finish our talk."  
"I thought we did."  
"No. I didn't get to explain."  
Then she was behind me.  
Anne.  
"Jess?"  
I ignored her and looked at Rory.  
She backed away from me.   
She looked from me to Anne and understood.  
I reached for her but she slipped from my hand.  
Her face changed in a second.  
I could see pain in her eyes as our eyes met.  
"Rory, please let me explain."  
She shook her head.  
"No, it's nothing..I made a mistake."  
Then she turned around and ran away from me.  
I just stood there screaming her name.  
  
----------------------  
  
I ran as fast as my legs could carry me.  
I wanted to run as far away as possible from him.  
I should have understood.  
Should have listened.  
To my mother.  
To everyone.  
Troublemaker.  
But I wanted so desperately to believe what my heart was telling me.  
That he was a good guy.  
Someone that I could truly love.  
Now I know better.  
I was wrong.  
So wrong in so many ways.  
Dark clouds came in from the west and brought with it cold rain.  
I didn't care.  
Let it all come.  
  
---------------------  
  
All I could see was her face.  
I dressed as fast as I could.  
Wanted to catch her.  
Anne was standing in the middle of my room.  
Dressed in my t-shirt.  
Looking wonderful.  
She looked at me.  
"Was that Rory?"  
I nodded.  
She understood.  
She knew.  
We had talked.  
I had talked and she had listened.  
She smiled at me.  
Understanding.  
Wishing me all the best.  
  
------------------  
  
"Rory!"  
His voice pierced through the sounds of the city.  
I had run until my legs wouldn't carry me any longer.  
My flight brought me to the heart of Central Park.  
But somehow and in some way he found me.  
I wanted to run once again.  
But I knew that I had to face him eventually.  
"Rory, please...stop!"  
I turned around and looked at him.  
We were standing in the middle of small footpath, somewhere in  
the middle of the park.  
He was standing just some meters from me.  
Looking wonderful.  
"I want to explain..."  
"There's nothing to say..."  
"Rory..."  
"No. I understand, now. This was all just a game for you.."  
"Don't say that."  
"It's the truth. Isn't it?"  
I wanted to hurt him as he had hurt me.  
"No. Please, Rory...I made a mistake..."  
"No..I was the one that made a mistake...I let myself trust you.."  
"Please..."  
He moved closer to me.  
"You let me fall in love with you..Was it all just a part of the game?  
The kiss, the phone-call. Everything?"  
"No....Everything I said was the truth.."  
"You are a really good actor.."  
Tears filled his eyes as he looked at me.  
"I love you."  
"DON'T SAY THAT!!"  
"It's the truth. She was no one...We talked..I had a lot to drink.."  
"So..you just..."  
I didn't want to think about that but pictures kept flashing by.  
Hurting me.  
Chasing me around.  
Causing me to crumble.  
"Rory..please.."  
He reached for me.  
I wanted so desperately to surrender and let myself drown in him.  
I wanted to believe.  
I needed to believe.  
But all I could see was his betrayal.  
"I guess you're off the hoock..It's not like we are boyfriend and   
girlfriend..You don't have to explain..."  
"You are the only one that I want."  
"Stop saying that."  
"It's the truth...I don't know what else I can do to prove that to  
you. I love you, Rory."  
"I don't believe you."  
Pain flashed over his face and for a second I wanted to reach out  
and take his hand in mine.  
But I needed to be strong now.  
I had to do this.  
It was a matter of survival.  
"Please, let me love you."  
He was so close now.  
His presence caused my heart to tremble in my chest.  
I cursed my foolish heart.  
LOVE ME! MAKE ME BELIEVE!  
I killed those voices.  
This was just a game to him.  
All a game.  
Playing games with my heart.  
I'm saving myself.  
I wanted to back away from him.  
Run.  
But I just stood there looking into his eyes.  
Memories from days gone by pasted by and for a moment  
I let myself remember.  
"No.."  
"Rory.."  
The pain ripped at my soul.  
I had believed his words.  
Wanted to believe.  
To love him.  
I came to New York to open my heart.  
To let him in.  
Let him know how beautiful my world was when he was in it.  
But he had ripped out my heart today.  
Hurt me.  
Crushed me.  
"I guess you won this game...You have crushed me.."  
Tears filled my eyes as I looked at him.  
"Believe me...Please..I never meant to.."  
"You broke my heart today...I came here to tell you...To let you know..  
That I...."  
I couldn't speak those words.  
Those three little words.  
I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.  
But I could see in his eyes that he understand.  
"I'm sorry...You have to forgive me.."  
"No..I don't have to do anything.."  
I turned to leave.  
He grabbed my hand and made me look at him.  
"Please, don't go."  
"You don't get to have me!"  
Tears marked his face as we stood there.  
My last words stood like huge wall between us.  
I could see pain in his eyes.  
He let go of me.  
I walked away from him.  
And the rain kept falling.  
  
---------------------  
  
I stood there watching her leave.  
I knew that there was nothing I could say.  
Nothing I could do to make her stay.  
I had failed.  
I would have given up everything to have her.  
Pay every prize.  
But it's too late now.  
I have lost.  
  
--------------------  
Two weeks later,  
Stars Hollow  
-------------  
  
I can't say that it has been easy.  
When I got home from New York I told mum everything.  
She yelled at me for running of but she also held me.  
Let me cry against her shoulder.  
She didn't say, "I told you so".  
These days I'm feeling better.  
It's getting easier to breathe.  
I'm not missing him anymore.  
I hardly ever think about him.  
But it comes days when the memory of him come crawling back.  
For a moment, for a single second, I dream of what if.  
But then reality hits.  
There will never be any us.  
I have accepted that now.  
I will move on and leave him to  
my past.  
Where he belongs.  
  
--------------  
New York  
-----------  
It took two weeks to nurse my heart back to life.  
I had done it too myself.  
The blame was on me.  
Then it came the struggle to drive her out of my heart.  
I tried.  
I started to date again.  
I threw myself into the work of erasing her from my memory.  
Nights were spend looking for someone at the endless clubs   
and bars I could get in to.  
All I could find was loneliness.  
I was back in my old habits.  
Looking for thrills were I could find them.  
I refused to miss her.  
I didn't speak her name.  
As the days turned into weeks I slowly but surely convinced myself  
that I was over her.  
Then he called and crushed all my defensives.  
Luke.  
He was calling to check up on me.  
I wanted to ask.  
Believe me.  
But I couldn't.  
I was too proud to speak those words.  
He was the one that mentioned her.  
Wondered what happened.  
I lied and said nothing.  
It was better that way.  
He talked about the town.  
I wanted to hang up.  
Didn't want to care.  
But I did.  
I even found myself smiling.  
Missing him.  
Them.  
Stars Hollow.  
I sat a long time after he had said goodbye with the phone in my hand  
thinking about the past.  
And I even let myself think about her.  
Rory.  
Blue-eyed girl.  
Her face.  
Her hair.  
The way she smiled.  
The way she moved.  
The way she felt in my arms.  
Pain ripped at my heart as I let myself remember that day in the   
park.  
I had played it over and over again so many times in my head during   
the past weeks that I could almost hear her voice.  
I could see her face.  
The way she looked standing outside my door just before...  
She looked so happy then.  
Eyes glowing.  
Shining.  
Then the pain when she understood.  
Saw Anne.  
She looked at me with so much hurt that my heart almost shattered  
then and there.  
I had lost her that day.  
Just because I was too foolish not try.  
To stand up and fight for her.  
For my heart.  
I had bowed out at the first sign of trouble.  
But that has always been my thing:  
to run at the first sign of trouble.  
I'm no hero.  
I have never been brave.  
But I wanted to be someone in her eyes.  
I wanted to fight for her.  
I would not give her up.  
Not yet.  
I'm not ready to stop.  
I'll win her.  
Back to Stars Hollow.  
  
  
----------------------------  
Luke's diner,  
Stars Hollow,  
the next day,  
Midnight.  
  
---------------------  
  
I dressed in the moonlight.  
Luke was sleeping.  
He hadn't said much when I came back.  
But he had smiled.  
That was all that I needed.  
He understood.  
He could read it in my eyes.  
Why I was back.  
It was time to fight for her.  
  
  
----------------  
  
I woke slowly.  
Dreams woke me.  
The first snow had started to fall.  
It was dark outside.  
The moon ruled the sky.  
A knock on my window.  
I sat up.  
He was standing there.  
Him.  
The one I had tried to shut out of my heart.  
Jess.  
I opened the window.  
He was dressed in jeans and a warm jacket.  
His hair was longer.  
"What are you doing here?"  
"Can I come in?"  
"No! You can't. It's almost one in the morning."  
"Please..."  
"Jess..."  
"Rory."  
He smiled.  
I surrendered.  
I stepped back and let him crawl through my window.  
Then he was there.  
I wasn't ready for him.  
But I couldn't run now.  
He stood there in the middle of my room.  
"So why are you here, Jess? What about New York?"  
"I came here to tell you that I will not give up."  
"You came here in the middle of the night just to tell me that?"  
"Yes....and this..."  
He was fast.  
He moved like the tiger he was.  
I couldn't run.  
His lips found mine.  
He wrapped his arms around me and with a sigh I surrendered.  
Then reality hit.  
Hard.  
I pushed him away from me.  
My lips were swollen.  
I could still taste him.  
His eyes were wild and dark as he looked at me.  
"You just can't come here and expect that things have changed between  
us. Because it hasn't...I said everything that day in the park and  
I stand behind that."  
"You lie. You feel the same."  
"No..."  
"I can see it in your eyes. I can read you like an open book by now.  
I know you.."  
"No..."  
He moved closer.  
I backed away.  
"You can say what you want. You can scream and hit me. But it won't  
change my mind. I feel the same."  
"You lie.."  
"Why won't you believe me? I have done everything and I will do   
anything to prove it to you."  
"Stop this!"  
"What do you want? Shall I scream? Because I would! I'm desperately and  
madly in love with you, Rory Gilmore."  
Tears filled my eyes as I looked at him.  
I wanted to believe his words.  
His wonderful words.  
But fear had a hold of my heart.  
I feared the power he had over me.  
He could make me fall with just one touch.  
I would love him.  
Give him myself, totally.  
Then he would go and I would be...  
Dead.  
He was so close now.  
I could almost hear his heartbeat.  
I pushed him away from me and said:  
"You just can't come here and say something like that and believe  
that everything is forgotten. That..."  
"I know..All I'm asking is that you forgive me..."  
I moved away from him.  
I knew that if he would touch me again I would surely fall and   
by then there were no way back.  
"I don't know if I can do that."  
"Please, Rory..I have never felt like this before...I was slowly   
going mad when I didn't have you to talk to..To laugh with.."  
He moved towards me.  
"I'm scared."  
"I know you are. Believe me, I'm scared also. I'm scared that I'm   
going to do something stupid and mess everything up. But mostly   
I'm scared that I will walk away from here not knowing that I   
didn't do enough to convince you..."  
"Oh, Jess...I want to believe you...But understand...You ripped   
out my heart that day...I never thought you could hurt me so..You  
called me and said all those things...And I was afraid...But I went  
to New York to talk to you..To tell you..But then..."  
"I'm so sorry for everything. I wish I could make it go away. But  
I can't."  
"I know."  
He moved closer to me.  
"I wish I could put my feeling into words. I wish I could say something,  
anything to let you know how much I love you. Those three words feel  
so simple, so worn-out."  
He was standing before me now.  
This boy.  
Almost a man.  
Jess.  
This wild-child.  
He had swept into my life in a time when I was discovering everything  
about life.   
He had moved my world.  
In some way.  
My heart trembled in my chest as he framed my face between his  
warm hands and made me look at him.  
"I can't promise you anything..But I know one thing and that is   
that I love you..more than you will ever know."  
He smiled at me and continued:  
"God, you are so beautiful. And you don't know it. You are like this  
angel and that heaven blessed me with......God, listen to me...I sound  
like.."  
He laughed.  
I smiled at him.  
I understood now.  
I believed.  
I let myself believe.  
His eyes met mine.  
I could see a love there.  
A lasting love.  
Believer.  
He lowered his mouth to mine.  
Giving me a taste of heaven.  
Taking my breath away.  
So soft.  
So gentle.  
He whispered his plead against my lips:  
"Love me, love me, love me, love me."  
Then he leaned his forehead against mine.  
I surrendered.  
It was time to stop fighting.  
"I already do..."  
In that moment I gave him my heart totally and completely.  
And that night he gave me his in return.  
We fell into each other.  
  
-------------------------  
  
FEEDBACK...j_rothen@yahoo.se   
#PLEASE REVIEW:::Thank you everyone that has written so nice things.  
I don't know what to say to make you all understand how those nice  
things make me feel...I can fly. I can do everything...:)...Oh,  
anyway....TACK SÅ MYCKET ( Thank you so much in Swedish :) ) 


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